ALL HAIL, THE BORDER CLOSER

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OFFSIDO: My guy, the situation of this country don tire me, na border dem close since August like this, local rice na hin dem recommend for us, say make we dey chop.
ONSIDO: That’s true, it’s for the betterment of Nigeria, Since the closure, record has it that smuggling has reduced by 70%
OFFSIDO: Are you okay? E beta make dem leave us dey import. Guy, You Don taste the local rice before?
ONSIDO: Hmm, Once or Twice. But the good thing is that our local businesses will be blooming.
OFFSIDO: E be like say you join Custom lock our gate. The rice wey taste like rubber, na hin you dey talk say go dey bloom. I tire for you o.
ONSIDO: But come to think of it, since they closed the border, have you noticed that Nigerians have been more conscious of locally made goods.
OFFSIDO: Forget that one, all the clothes wey I buy for boutique last week, u think say na Aba boys do them?
ONSIDO: I mean this matter of rice, eggs, and tomatoes. I even saw an advert of Redeem rice on a friend’s WhatsApp. It is as less as 18, 500 naira. I bet it does not taste like rubber.
OFFSIDO: U sabi how much we dey buy rice before dem lock gate? Redeem rice ko, Salvation beans ni. Open our gate for us, make everything less.
ONSIDO: Calm down, I feel your plight, and don’t forget we are in this together. It is just that the nation needs so many changes, and this is one of them. Sooner or later, the result will be beneficial to all.
OFFSIDO: Ehen, “One of the changes”, I chop my words, you no dey Custom, you dey Buhari cabinet. If to lock border na one of the changes, hate speech bill, third term rumour, Sowore detention na next level?
ONSIDO: Haba! Please, I’m yet to be affiliated to any political party. I’m just trying to be optimistic and patriotic about this our country. And this matter is not about APC 2015, and 2019 election slogans. It’s what’s next for Nigeria.
OFFSIDO: Ogbeni, if you no dey Buhari cabinet why you come dey support am? See, make I yarn you something, the goods wey you hear say dem dey seize for border, wetin you think say dem dey use am do?
ONSIDO: The Custom burns or disposes them.
OFFSIDO: disposable ko, deplorable ni. Na all those Buhari Cabinet people dey chop am, including you. Since them don close border, N4.7 billion to N5.8 billion of goods on a daily, na him dem dey seize, where the money dey go?
ONSIDO: I beg your tongue, don’t implicate me. According to NBS, Do you know that since the border has been closed medium egg price has reduced by 1.90 naira and smuggling has reduced largely that Benin President Patrice Talon has started begging Buhari.
OFFSIDO: Na there make you sit down. NBS na hin you still dey rely on? I dey tell you wetin insider for the government dey tell me
ONSIDO: You know I don’t believe in rumour, I’d rather confirm it, and in all real sense, Nigeria Bureau of Statistics is the only agency we can rely on for right statistics concerning issues like this.
OFFSIDO: Na there stats you go chop this night na, wetin concern me be say make dem open border, free Sowore, forget hate speech, dem no fit hold my hand for twitter or any of the social media.
ONSIDO: My Friend, let’s wait and see. I believe Nigeria will get better. I believe border closure will be of benefit on the long run as that Lagos lawmaker assured, Sowore case, I’m tired of commenting, and hate speech bill cannot stand this information era.
Just to let you know, the border will likely be reopened by January 31st, 2020.
OFFSIDO: I dey wait, make e no meet us for inside communism, as Aisha Buhari yarn.

Credit to Funke Egbemode’s KOKO and KAKA.
Have a great week, from OFFSIDO AND ONSIDO.
#KUNLE DARAMOLA.

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